Somebody close to me is going through a difficult time right now. Sometimes I am at a loss for how to be there for this person, feeling I am not "enough" in some way. I do not always have the perfect thing to say to ease the pain or just the right wisdom to really be helpful in some way. So I've been listening a lot and trying to be supportive and helpful and loving in whatever way comes to me in each moment. Is this good enough? Sound familiar?

This morning I was thinking about how I wish there were some magic guidelines I could follow to be the best possible loving, supportive person. Seriously, I was thinking of it in that way. The answers magically appeared when I checked my email a few minutes ago.

This is an excerpt from a guest post within a blog I sometimes read.

"Throughout our lives, we will be given opportunities to witness with compassion moments of suffering, pain, and mortality. If we open ourselves to this experience we offer ourselves and others a powerful gift.

How to Be a Compassionate Witness

~~Don't worry that you don't know what to say. Be honest. "I'm here with you, I'm not sure what to say or do, but I'm here." These are powerful, freeing words, they convey your willingness to be present in the face of pain and suffering.

~~Try not to focus on fixing it. There are many times in our lives when pain can't be "fixed". Sometimes, this can send us into a tailspin. We may become so anxious about our inability to make it better that we lose our focus on being present. Sometimes we want to run. In those times, the greatest gift we can give is our willingness to stay present even when the site of another in pain makes us want to flee.

~~Reflect what you see. This may take a little practice. Tuning into others' facial expressions and body language allows us to understand what they're feeling even when they cannot or will not express it with words. A simple, "You seem really sad today," can let someone know you're emotionally available.

~~Learn to sit with the feelings that come up in you. When you are with someone who's hurting, what do you feel? Are you uncomfortable? Do you become frustrated when you cannot take away the person's sadness, hurt or anger? Acknowledge these feelings and let them go.

~~Focus on understanding. Ask how they're doing, what they're feeling, what they need right now. These questions communicate that you're truly present and not afraid to hear the answers.

Being a compassionate witness requires us to make a decision. We must decide to show up and stay present with the people in our lives who can use our support, our understanding and most of all, our love.

You can read more from Tara at Oak Cliff Counseling."

BEHIND THE SCENES

We have never taken Kyle to a live performance of anything. For a long list of reasons, it didn't seem doable.

He is different now. He's been on such a spectacular roll lately particularly enjoying music related outings. So when I heard that Detour Company Theatre was performing South Pacific, I decided it was time. Kyle has already seen the video South Pacific and enjoys the music.

"Detour Company Theatre: Making a journey in the arts possible for all."

"Mission: provide quality and authentic arts education and performance opportunities for adults with developmental and other challenges,  including deafness, blindness, and autism, through the magic and miracle of theatre."

Perfect. Surely this was an arena where people would be accepting. The venue was Scottsdale Center for the Arts, a local amphitheater style venue where professional performances and concerts are held. I was impressed that Detour was going to be performing there.

SCENE 1 - ALL IS WELL

Tammy and I decided to take Kyle together. We knew it would be a stretch for Kyle, but also knew he could do it. So could we. Many times what's a stretch for Kyle is a stretch for us too.

Without hesitation, he entered the building and then the theatre. We opted to sit in the last row so Kyle wouldn't have to do the motor planning to get down the stairs in an unfamiliar environment. Though Kyle is physically capable, the stress of motor planning down those widely spaced steps potentially added another level of uncertainty and could be a large obstacle. Even lowering himself into the theatre style seats is a challenge but one that he has been able to overcome faster and with more ease each time.

It wasn't long before Kyle was comfortably seated waiting for the show to begin. He hummed softly, looked around, checked out his program and was relaxed. Announcements came first. Then a moment of silence. Kyle was silent during the entire moment ! Phew! And whoo hoo!

The audience was invited to sing along. Kyle was most certainly going to take advantage of that invitation. Words are not necessary. Humming in harmony is where Kyle excels.

During the dialogue parts, Kyle was still humming at times. Was the music still playing in his mind? Or was this a calming device? Perhaps some of both. On a scale of Kyle noise 1-10, his humming was approximately a 2. Though not constant,  it was definitely more on than off.

Kyle loves to listen and music speaks to his entire body and soul. That is a beautiful thing. But some other things were happening here too. He was also WATCHING! Yes, he was looking at what was relevant...... down at the stage with the show going on. It was lit up and we were sitting in the dark above it with a birds eye view. At times, Kyle went out of his way to look, craning his head over the low wall that was in front of our seats. He was just plain into it! This is a huge triumph for Kyle. For most of his life, visual attention to what 's relevant has been tough and almost non-existent.

I'm talking about a breakthrough here. Huge growth! Tammy and I were thoroughly delighting in the whole experience of watching Kyle enjoy the show.

The play was a great production. The singing and acting was awesome. It was evident a tremendous amount of work and rehearsal went into this show. An effort was clearly made to include a wide variety of individuals. It was really touching and inspiring to watch and listen to this performance. The scenery was awesome too, complete with live music played on a baby grand piano in the corner of the stage.

SCENE 2 - KICKED OUT

It was 30-40 minutes into the show. We were mesmerized by the production and by Kyle's response to it. One of the theatre ushers tapped Tammy on the shoulder. Huh? Tammy then told me we were being asked to LEAVE! Kyle is making too much noise. They are trying to make a recording of the show. Kyle's humming is interfering with that. REALLY??

I talked to the man, the usher. He told me the same thing and then added that he (Kyle) is ruining it for EVERYONE. REALLY? His grade 2 humming is ruining it for everyone?

OK. Hmmm. I sat in disbelief for a moment and then got up and spoke to the usher again. "You are telling me in a show put on by a theatre company comprised of ALL people with special needs that a person with autism is being thrown out... or ok, asked to leave? Do you see the irony in that?" He just smiled.

I sort of understood the recording situation (though there were two more shows from which conceivably they could have gotten the "perfect" recording.) Trying to be understanding, I asked if there was another area to which we could move. "No, he is ruining it for everyone." I was told again.

I wanted to shout. I wanted to cry. Clearly, this man did not get it. Who was he speaking for? He was not at all open to trying to find a way for us to stay.

Just to clarify, I am very sensitive about bringing Kyle to public places. It has taken me years and years to feel comfortable about it. This relates to my own issues and Kyle's difficulty with self control.  I have never wanted him to be disruptive during important events. I have been extremely cautious and gun shy,  sometimes to a fault. Kyle has missed out on some things because of this.

I am super sensitive about his noisiness because he can get pretty darn loud in his enthusiasm. That is part of his communication and when he's feeling good, he's been known to belt out an exuberant and loud whoop or two. He can also be noisy when overloaded or stressed.  So I am very conscious about whether he could be a disruption in different situations. That is why we have not taken him to a concert at the Musical Instrument Museum yet.

When I heard about this play, my first thought was that it was safe. It would be a safe place for Kyle if he were to get a little excited and vocalize. The irony was that he was keeping it together. The humming was on the quiet side. I don't know how many people could hear him in the theatre. Maybe it was the entire theatre, given the way sound can carry in an amphitheater. Or not. But in any case, it was soft. Soft for Kyle standards, that is. I suppose any noise above silence during a play could be considered inappropriate.

I assumed everyone in this setting would be understanding and compassionate.

We had no choice but to leave. I am not the type of person to make a scene though  it did cross my mind. Just after exiting the theatre, Kyle got very loud... in a happy, excited, "this is great fun" kind of way. Clearly he was holding it together, big time, while in the theatre. Another gold star for Kyle that evening.

I was still in disbelief. Kyle was ok with leaving. Who knows, maybe that was just the right amount of time for him to be there. However at the rate he was going, it seemed as if he might have been able to sit for the entire show.

No matter how much we talk about inclusion, the world is not quite ready for my Kyle. I might have expected this to happen at any other performance but didn't expect it to happen during this one. If Kyle had gotten very loud or needed to be up and walking around, we would have gone outside for awhile.

I texted my friend who's daughter was in this production. It is through her on facebook that I heard about the show. She was mortified and suggested this man was probably a volunteer for the theater and not connected to Detour Company.

SCENE 4 - MAKING IT RIGHT

Early the next morning I received a phone call from the board president of the non-profit, Detour Company Theatre. Her daughter was also in the production. Coincidentally, she is someone I know from Kyle's first day program years ago. Apparently, news travels quickly.

She was profoundly apologetic. She encouraged us to come back for one of the other performances that weekend. Detour is all about inclusion for the actors/actresses and also for the audience, she informed me.  She really wanted us to give it another chance. Later on she even called me back after speaking to the director. She invited us to sit down near the stage where Kyle could be more part of the action. She offered to save us some seats. The motor planning issue about getting  down there could be overcome by using the elevator.

FINALE- AWARENESS

Clearly, the usher and the person doing the recording had not been given the memo about what this show was truly about and that there conceivably could have been some people with special needs in the audience.

We could have been asked to step outside and come back in a little later. And/or we could have been redirected to some other seats. I can understand the recording issues though with today's technology, it seems that unwanted sound could be taken out of a recording.

But the comment that he was ruining it for everyone. This just comes from ignorance and insensitivity. Once I got past that, pulling the dagger directly out of my heart, I was able to bask in Kyle's many accomplishments that evening. And mine.

ENCORE?

We did not end up going back for another performance. By Sunday, Kyle was tired after a very busy Friday and Saturday. He needed to rest. So did I.

We will try for Detour's next production. Now we know where the good seats are.

I am now a supporter and invite you to check out the great stuff they are doing.  Detour Company Theatre

Kyle's world has become larger. He now enjoys sitting in different rooms and seats in the house. For most of his life, he was a two chair man. He preferred to sit at the kitchen table or his rocker/recliner in his room. Those were his safety spots. For the last few months he has decided there are other interesting places in the house to sit and feel safe.

Kyle now sits on the couch next to me in the living room and I can actually read. He enjoys relaxing there. The other night, I was reading a book on my Kindle and all of a sudden, he reached over, and began tapping on it. I realized he was thinking (maybe?) it was like the iPad and if he tapped enough, the drum set would appear.

Kyle has had just a few experiences on the iPad. Months ago, I would not have thought it was for him. He has never been a TV or computer kind of guy. We could not convince him to even look at a screen for more than a nano second, if that.

Come to find out, maybe we just weren't showing him the "right" things. Or maybe he wasn't ready. Within the last year that Tammy (our thannie) has been with Kyle, she has introduced him to music videos on the laptop. He loves music so that seemed a logical choice. At first he mostly listened. After she decided to place the computer in the direction he normally looks (off to the right side) he began watching. At first, it was just glances and then it turned in to full blown viewing.

Why not try a movie? A musical was another logical choice and pretty soon, Kyle had a collection of movies in his room. He was even beginning to attend to some of the dialog scenes, especially if they were dramatic. He likes booming men's voices.

Then, Kyle began watching musicals on the TV as well. At first, mostly listening. But after a quick while, he began viewing too. I know I know. Many parents are trying to get their kids with autism to stop watching so much TV. But for Kyle, this has been a breakthrough. We have discovered something else he can enjoy. And sometimes, enjoy WITH us. Recently, he even watched Secretariat with us, a movie without music. AND he had "appropriate" reactions during certain parts of the movie.... a huge breakthrough for Kyle.  He has been horseback riding for 15 years so maybe this isn't surprising.

It follows naturally, that now Kyle might be interested in the iPad. We have a drumming app (full drum set with different sounds) that he enjoys. I do believe he might have been asking for that when he tapped my Kindle. I quickly got Neil's IPad and pretty soon Kyle was drumming away and was happy as can be. And he was visually attending to what he was doing! I am grateful to Angela, his occupational therapist, for first introducing him to the iPad.

What else might he like? The Apple App store is the place for instant gratification. Often, it's free too. I quickly discovered a piano App and downloaded it. He immediately took to it and used one finger to explore the notes the same way he does on the piano. Awesome!

Kyle has a new level of attention and focus. At the age of 28, his world has become a little larger and  more interesting and enjoyable.

Triumphs are so sweet especially when they have been so long in coming.