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Life's a journey, wouldn't ya say? The cool thing is that we are all preprogramed to be resilient. We don't have to carry our thinking from our past into the present. Even though we often do. For me, just knowing resilience is available in the form of a new thought, which can carry me into a new experience, is very comforting.
On July 1 of last year, Kyle stopped cycling. I'm referring to the agitation/anxiety cycles that shut him down for two weeks at a time. I have written about these many times before. We found a treatment that worked like nothing before in the twenty year on and off history of these unexplainable episodes. It actually stopped two cycles after the third day. In the past, they always had to run a two week course. So that was quite a celebration especially since I didn't believe it was possible to interrupt a cycle on the run. The treatment is controversial, that's all I will say here. He had a glorious nine months.
Never take anything for granted because randomly, after nine months, one day, he woke up in another cycle. Surpise! Bring on the treatment and it worked magic again. The illusion of control. This time it held for seven weeks. And then back to cycleville. What?!? This isn't the way it's "supposed" to play out.
Last month, he had a nine day cycle, came out for one day, and went into a second nine day cycle. Two back to back cycles, what's that all about? What happened to our control? The treatment made him a little more comfortable, but no more magic.
It was time for me to create some of my own magic. During a conversation with a coach who is leading a course I'm taking, I was able to see some things I had not seen before. It's not possible to describe how I got to this point, but during the conversation, a whole bunch of things changed for me on a very deep level. Some of them were things I had understood on an intellectual level but never quite at the core of my being. This new awareness came from someplace very deep. It was as if I had been wearing scratched and smudged glasses and all of a sudden, I got a new pair and could see clearly.
One of the things I saw was the way I was seeing Kyle in these cycles. I saw suffering. He was/is suffering and there is nothing I can do about it. We know how we feel when our children are hurting. We want to fix it. As if we actually have control over another human. What I realized was that it was really me who was suffering. I couldn't be sure if Kyle was suffering. My battle with "what is" was painful and frustrating and creating my suffering. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't widdle that square peg into the round hole. And I certainly did not have control.
I didn't just see this at an intellectual level, I truly got it in my heart and gut.
Kyle appears to go with the flow. (Obviously because he can't speak, I don't know his thoughts. I can only go on observation and intuition.) During cycles, he takes care of himself by going to bed, going deep within, not eating (yes, a form of taking care of himself), just pretty much shutting himself down. He repeats very specific behavior patterns during agitation times and seeks us for comfort. He also allows and even wants, necessary protection from injury. Is he suffering? I don't really know. If he is suffering in some way, am I in the best position to be there for him if I suffer too?
What I came to see was that my bond with him was so tight, it was as if we were fused at the hip with no light between us. I'm guessing maybe this is common when you have been on a path with a child with special needs for so long and have had to do so much for them as well as being their voice and advocate in the world. The normal seperating process that happens as kids become adults gets skewed.
Just having this awareness, amongst others, released my struggle at a very deep level. It doesn't mean I won't listen for the answers to help Kyle during a cycle. I would much prefer he be out living his life than be in bed. However, I let go of my struggle. Actually, it was more like it melted. And it wasn't through analysis or denial. It was through my awareness of really seeing something I had not seen before. And when that happened, my suffering dissapated. And then peace flooded in. Wisdom also flooded in. Things to try, steps to take, began to appear on the path.
The wisdom of possible solutions was there waiting for me. I just had to allow the pipes to unclog. And then experience the magic of potential answers flowing in. New thoughts and possibilities. A new experience.
PS I invite you to check out the work of Michael Neill at supercoach.com. His books and videos are all very powerful. Also, a simple read in the form of a parable by Sydney Banks called The Enlightened Gardner.
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