My baby is 24 today. Happy Birthday sweet girl!

I wonder how 24 years can go by so quickly. Oh my. Maybe I shouldn't have blinked so many times.

Life was very challenging around the time Leah was born. She was born into busy-ness.... to the extreme. We had recently started an intense homeschool program  with Kyle when I became pregnant. Rachel was 2. I was juggling being a mom to both kids and running a home program with volunteers coming in and out of the house to work with Kyle. My job was to train  and supervise them.  It was a challenging balance to do all that and be there for my daughter and husband.

And then came Leah, easy going and sweet. We made room in our family for our blond haired, blue eyed bundle. We created time and space where previously,  there wasn't any extra.

Having a child with autism and other children as well, it's easy for parenting to become way off balance. The child with autism will always need more. No matter how much you do or give, it will never feel like enough. There will always be the feeling that you "should" do/give more.

But the other children are waiting. They may be more self sufficient but they have needs too. Moments will be missed that can never be recreated if the scale is weighted too heavily on the side of the child with autism.

Sometimes all a child needs is a non-multitasking listening ear. Really listening, not just pretend listening. I hope I was that for Leah. Or genuine appreciation of something they have done. Leah was a really "good" child and "good" student and I think I could have acknowledged her and appreciated her more for that. When all is well, it's easy to let things slip to the side, take things for granted.

Spending time. Leah was the only kid in Kindergarten who did not stay for the full day. Back then, it was optional but all the kids stayed all afternoon for  extra "enrichment". Leah wanted to come home. We had lunch together and she had the afternoon to "play". I remember thinking that those afternoons were precious and I knew it was the last year I would have her at home with me like that. I tried to have someone working with Kyle during those times though I'm sure I wasn't always able to work that out. Though it might have been easier and more convenient for Leah to stay at school and I could have insisted on it, I'm so grateful we had that time together. She may not even remember it and I don't remember all the details but I do remember enjoying the ordinary, yet special times with her.

I know that there were many times Kyle needed so much of my attention I was not there as I would have liked to have been for Leah (and Rachel too). Or, she (they) had to wait for me. Sometimes for too long. I'm sure her patience muscles grew strong from these times but maybe she felt slighted too. I would have given anything to split myself in pieces so I could be there for everyone in the way I really wanted to be.

I look through the photos of Leah as a baby, toddler, child, teen. Just yesterday, but  such a long time ago. When did she blossom into the amazing young lady she is today?

It happened in the moments. The moments can't be replaced. I know I missed some. I hope I didn't miss too many.

Comments (3)

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written by Monica, February 22, 2013

I don't know how many moments you missed or didn't miss. But I do know you were there for the important moments and the big picture. Your girl's are strong, successful, well rounded, smart, college graduates with a focus for the future. Rachel is happily married with a bright future in her job and Leah is off on her own following her dream in music. You may not know it, but you did split yourself into nourishing pieces enough for everyone. No one could have done a better job and I know for a fact you are better parent than a lot of people I know who didn't have the challenge of an autistic child. No parent is there for every moment, so give yourself a big pat on the back for a job well done!!!

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