It's been a nice week and a half with Kyle back to himself after the previous, slightly shorter, but rougher cycle. I believe we have all been breathing  a little easier. I know I certainly have.

Tuning in to my body, I notice there is a relaxing in the pit of my gut which happens pretty quickly after I am sure Kyle has fully recovered. This letting go is a familiar feeling after so many months of Kyle's on again, off again stuff. I am always just a little surprised at my sense of relief because I don't fully realize how tense I become despite my efforts to roll with the flow.

With each cycle I tell myself that I will not let this one get to me. My happiness will not depend on whether or not Kyle is in rough waters. I will just do what I need to do and be strong. I don't want my emotions to be tossed here and there like a roller coaster. I will be happy anyway because I, and only I, am in control here. This never really works.

Though I do not fall apart during Kyle's cycles, and I am less emotional than I was a year and a half ago, I still feel it when I watch Kyle slip into a cycle where we are both holding on so tightly but helpless to do anything about it. My heart hurts as I watch him suffer.  The process of finding a medical solution is painfully slow. Hello, patience muscles.

After a day or so, my determination gives way to what is and a cloud moves over my psyche and soul. It's easier now because I have a lot of help so full time care does not fall 100% in my lap. In fact, I can go on with my life more than ever before these days but the angst is still there. It takes residence in my being, in the house, in the people that love Kyle and it stays until he is out of the woods.

After this most recent cycle ended, I was a little disappointed that once again, I succumbed and was not able to stay more balanced. I got too unhappy for my liking. Darn.

As usual, there is an aha moment buried here. It is not about whether or not I succumb to unhappiness or get out of balance in the face of intense challenges. It is really about resilience, the ability to bounce back and then move forward. I love the word resilience as it slides off the tongue. Perhaps the ability to be resilient is related to allowing myself to be where I am without judgment. This gives me the strength to dust myself off and move on when I am ready.... the strength to be fully resilient.

A close friend of mine is going through treatment for breast cancer and chose resilience as one of her words this year. I dedicate this post to my friend CB. I have a feeling she will be showing me what resilience is really all about. In fact, she already has.

Happiness is indeed a choice but more than that, it is a journey. Resilience is the gemstone which helps pave the road.

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