Strength|streNG(k)TH, strenTH|

noun

1~ the quality or state of being strong, in particular:

• physical power and energy:

• the emotional or mental qualities necessary in dealing with situations or events that are distressing or difficult

2~ the capacity of an object or substance to withstand great force or pressure

3~ the capacity of a human to experience disrupted sleep and still manage, albeit impaired, to function, and perhaps smile the next day

Strength waned as I approached the wee hours of the morning. One day blended into the next without the gift of being plugged into the recharging station of a good night's sleep.

During the night, I cursed the full moon as it lit up our house. There was no getting away from it. Finally sleep gently descended on both of us only to be awakened one hour later by the neighbor's alarm. An adrenaline spike is not conducive to sleep. I think that's what Kyle is experiencing- adrenaline spikes that simply will not allow sleep.

Where was strength going to come from? A text from my Sunday respite gal saying she is sick and won't be coming.  When you feel you have nothing left for the day, you approach the phone with dread when the text beeps. It can bring a person to tears in that vulnerable sleep deprived state. Somehow I had to find the strength. Dig deep into dry reserves and I wasn't sure what I might find. If I get lucky, a few drops of strength may still be lurking there.

Exhausted, I dove into the day. Actually it was more like a surrender. I surrendered to what was. There's strength in surrender.

Surrender is another powerful S word. Surrender means knowing when to ask for support. It's knowing when you've reached your limit and something must change. The wheels are turning on how I will get more support for some of the sleepless nights. I will create that eventually. Last  Sunday I was grateful for my husband who jumped in to cook, shop, and take Kyle for some of the time. Surrendering to the fatigue, I took a nap.

The next day...

I went to yoga. I was still tired from a night of almost no sleep followed by a night of poor quality interrupted sleep. How did I get myself out the door? There was a little seed deep within, which contained an ounce of strength. I gently cracked it open. Just a trickle but enough to get me moving. "Go and you will feel better." said strength. There was no arguing. I did feel better. Just walking out the door was a release.

Strength is a perspective. It is a set of lenses from which to view myself. I am not a crumbler. I may crumble at times, but I accept that and it just means I get to pick myself up and reassemble the pieces until they look and feel like strength. The act of reassembling, without judgment, is part of strength.

If this is convuloted, it's because it was written "live". My mind was a bit fuzzy at the time.

Today I am well rested. Kyle slept the last few nights. The gift of a good night's sleep cannot be overrated.

I propose a toast to the power of strength. Even when it's just an ounce.